My Social Media-less Life

Last week, June 14, was the 10-year anniversary of my dad’s death. I felt fine leading up to the day and even after my uncle and grandpa arrived in town for the weekend.

My uncle, grandpa and I went to Manhattan, Kansas, and for the first time in 10 years, I visited my dad’s gravesite.

Again, I felt fine. We wandered around more than my uncle said he ever has at any other point he’s been there, we planned where we were going to eat because we wanted something local to Manhattan, and then we went to Target for some supplies for grandpa (he forgot to pack socks 😂).

After my uncle and grandpa left Kansas City the next day (Father’s Day), I did not feel so fine. And everything about me suffered.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I was short-tempered with those I did talk to, I didn’t want to work and when I was at work I wished I was home, I had no motivation to do anything other than lay on my bed and beat myself up for not wanting to do anything…

And then I talked to my best friend, Rachel, and admitted I just wasn’t feeling motivated. In that moment of clarity I realized lack of motivation could also be a “side effect” of grief.

“I don’t FEEL griefy.” I said, “But that doesn’t mean much either.”

She said, “It could definitely be that. Especially since it’s not like it happened yesterday. This isn’t raw grief… This is beef jerky grief, not a medium rare steak.”

What I haven’t told her (until she reads this blog 😛 ) is that “beef jerky grief” has stuck with me since we talked about that.

One of the things I was trying to do when struggling with my beef jerky grief was write a blog about last weekend. Except I was trying to make it flowery and fun. As if going to a garden full of dead people is ever fun…

But the world doesn’t need someone making light of dark things. We have enough bozos running around trying to do just that, using humor as a coping mechanism instead of as a tool for healing (because I can confirm, humor as healing is a real thing).

They need someone who’s looked at darkness, recognized it for what it is, and continued through it anyway only to come out on the other side with a story of hope and joy. They came through with a story that says, “I know it sucks right now. But I PROMISE it gets better.”

Sometimes humor is fine, but it’s also ok to take a day and just recognize the lack of motivation for what it is: a moment of grief.

Sometimes, sitting in the sadness is more healing. Don’t fight it when it comes.