My Social Media-less Life

I’ve been putting off writing this post for a number of reasons. The chief reason is that I really am trying to keep this blog from becoming a “grief and loss” blog.

The secondary reason is that I have been feeling a big loss and trying to convince myself it’s silly to still have these feelings after almost a whole year.

What is this loss? Well, it’s my best friend moving away.

Don’t worry, my other best friend, Rachel, is still around and still very much my best friend, but for the purposes of this blog, Esther is the “best friend” I’ll be talking about.

I always feel the loss the most when I do a thing that we used to do together. Like hang out with some dear friends for dinner, or go out to eat after church. Or go to a local coffee shop.

Or when I have a wild thought like, “wouldn’t it be fun to clean this person’s house with my best friend as a blessing?” Esther is always down for my wild shenanigans and since our friendship was somehow and surprisingly built on how well we cleaned a place together (as well as how open to growing our relationship with the Lord and each other we were), she’s always the first one I think of when I think about cleaning somewhere “for fun.”

But I mean… as of the beginning of next month (September), Esther and I will have been friends for 11 years. Her entire adult life and enough of mine that the first 7 years aren’t worth mentioning. 😆 (they were rough years for Erica anyway…)

So tonight after having dinner with some friends that were Esther’s friends first, I was lying in bed (supposedly trying to sleep) and I had that fleeting thought: “I should ask Esther if she— oh. Right.”

And then I realized I’ve been down this road before.

When my dad died, I used to think about the fun things that we shared that… I didn’t even realize we had shared until after he was gone. And I used to have those fleeting thoughts, “I should text Papa and tell him— oh… right.”

What’s worse with my dad is that he isn’t coming back and I can’t just FaceTime him when I feel super sad and miss him.

So… the grief is the same. But it’s different.

The Twelfth Doctor once said: “It’s funny, the day you lose someone isn’t the worst. At least you’ve got something to do. It’s all the days they stay dead.”

Or in Esther’s case (because she’s very much alive and well), it’s all the days she stays gone.

The first year is the hardest. But I can’t imagine that any following years will actually get easier. I’ll just learn to live with the loss.

So… it’s the same… but it’s not the same.

And that almost sucks more. Transitioning to “best friend lives but not near me” is proving to be a bit tougher than “father is no longer living.”

So, I apologize in advance (and maybe for the past) if I seem a little more grumpy some days. Coffee dates with my best friend aren’t what they used to be.