My Social Media-less Life

Over the last two weeks, I’ve had a culmination of all my inner frustrations and disappointments hit me and cause such an intense blockage in my soul that it was what my pastor likes to call “a crisis of character.”

And boy howdy, it was that.

When I start to daydream about running away from everything and shirking all such responsibilities that God has put on my life, you know it’s pretty terrible.

And if I’m being honest (which I definitely try to be), I’ve always had that “wanderlust” about me. I’ve always wanted to travel and see different things and do all the jobs and not really settle.

And then the Lord gave me a direction to go. And out of that direction is a whole lot of staying and being.

As I type this, I’m realizing the issue isn’t the going or the staying, the issue is that for the first time in probably my whole life, the Lord gave me a direction ahead of time.

I’ve had some other directives far ahead of time, but never really a direction. Because of this, it’s caused me to suddenly want to move into this new direction, but that’s not why He told me ahead of time. He told me ahead of time because He wants me to grow up.

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭11‬-12 ESV‬‬

When people have asked me about my “5-year plan” or anything similar, my answer has always been “I don’t know.” Because well… I didn’t. It was whatever the Lord had called me to do until He told me to stop.

However, I’ve been on a path of relationship with my Heavenly Father for nearly 30 years (I gave my life to the Lord for the first time at 5… don’t be weird 😜). And the Lord is not in the habit of doing amazing things the same way more than a few times, if even more than once. Therefore, when He told me about a life-altering plan for next year, I immediately did what my Wanderlusting self would want.

Try to make it happen as soon as possible, consequences be… well… you get the idea.

And it’s not that the change is going to include traveling, because if anything, it’s more about staying in one spot and actually growing where I am.

But I love the “move” of a new direction! “What’s it like over there?” I like to wonder aloud often.

Needless to say, the human pull of wanting to do the new thing and the Lord’s reminder that now is not then were at war within me, and I thought nothing could really break me of the funk.

And then yesterday happened…

You’d have to be living under a rock to not know about the things that have happened within the last week, but one of those events (oddly) pulled me out of my spiritual funk.

While I was working today I thought to myself, This was probably the first actual, high-profile, Christian martyr of the West in my lifetime.

Because if there was another one within the last 35 years, it didn’t affect me so strongly.

I actually had rescheduled the second client we had yesterday before hearing about the news of Charlie Kirk, but after I dropped my mom off, I went back to the house I’m staying at this week and I just… sat in my sad.

There were a number of reasons why I didn’t go to church or hang out with my best friend Rachel, but as the evening went on, I realized it was more for mourning than it was for the dog or for my need to rest.

And the Lord reminded me, “It is OK to sit in the sad and mourn.”

That’s one of those things I am just beginning to grasp as I learn to transition into new “events” slowly and allow myself to feel things.

(Did you know feelings are a human thing that we’re all supposed to have? Well, that’s a thing I’m just now learning, so if you needed the lesson, hopefully this is for you.)

Although going back to work today was hard, it was the next right thing. Because cleaning is what I’m called to right now, and that is the way I can reach people. Am I using it how I should be?

I don’t know, but I know I’m going to go harder into my calling and not worry about the next direction for now. It’s still going to be there and the time will come for that to be the next right thing.

For now, this is where I am. And I’m going to go hard. For God, for His will, for the people that need Him.