My Social Media-less Life

I have a confession… I lied.

Not to you guys, specifically, but I need to air out my correction more publicly.

Last week while my mom and I were cleaning a house, the client and his wife were talking to us and he was telling me of this vision he had for unmarried people in the church at large.

Then he asked me a question: “Do you want kids?”

In the context of what he was describing… no, I don’t. Because kids usually mean a husband, and the Lord and I have recently re-established that my calling is to remain as I am (single) and serve Him fully.

However, I am feeling guilty about the fact that I didn’t answer the question more fully. Because I simply answered in the negative and when he pushed with a “Really?” I still said no.

Does that make it a bad thing? Was I really lying?

I don’t know, but it’s not that I don’t want kids… it’s just that having my own kids isn’t what the Lord has for me.

Of course there are all the qualifications: “right now,” “yet,” “at this present time,” “as far as I know.”

And it’s weird to have this conversation with females, let alone a male. Because of course women will say, “Well if you have the desire, that wasn’t placed there for God not to give you what you want.”

I mean, maybe. But He also created women to be nurturers and to have that drive to have babies. Every female species on the planet was created that way. Just because I know what my calling is doesn’t mean He’s going to take away my very womanhood.

Will He help me through the desires and maybe help to ease them? I don’t know. It’s a struggle I’ve had on and off since I was old enough to get married.

I do know that He blessed me with 3 wonderful nephews and a beautiful niece that I can pour into and try my best to do so whenever I have the opportunity. That certainly helps.

But then there was the time I finally built up the courage to ask a guy out, knowing full well what the Lord wants for me. The guy didn’t accept, but we are still friendly toward each other so I didn’t ruin everything like I worried about at the time.

I mentioned to my mom some weeks back (before the conversation with the client) that being single is hard in general for a lot of reasons. She replied, “Maybe, but I always imagined it’s easier to be a single person and serve the Lord because you don’t have to worry about a spouse. You can just do whatever the Lord wants.”

And although that is a Biblical thing said in a very Mom way… the way she said it hit different than Paul’s “a single woman doesn’t have to worry about a husband and how to please him” speech.

I’m sure that’s what Paul meant though.

While this post doesn’t have any clear resolution to it, just know that sometimes it’s ok to sit in the “Yes-And” of following the Lord. Yes, I am single and can do whatever the Lord wants me to do and love being single… And, I sometimes struggle with being single, not having a husband and not having kids of my own.

No matter what, I pray the Lord will still use me.